His name was Chester but everyone called him Sandy because of his full head of unruly blond hair. He always had a twinkle in his eye and a kind word for those around him. He was a vegan who ran 5 miles before dawn every morning and who, while a lay minister for the poor at the Divine Whisper All-Inclusive Christian Outreach Church, dabbled in Buddhism because it helped to center him and control the chronic pain from burns he'd received as a teenager saving children from a burning orphanage, which was his home since his missionary parents had been killed in a tragic canoe accident in Malaysia.
I could go into that detail, but it's more important to say that he was mighty proud of his balloon pilot's license and looked forward to landing at the aerodrome after the flight and surprising Daisy by proposing marriage to her. He had arranged for the other members of the Barbershop Quartet to which he belonged, to meet them at the Aerodrome and strike up the tune "I love you truly." when they landed. He had worked overtime, picking blueberries, to buy the modest ring in his pocket with which be hoped to win Daisy's heart as he "plighted his troth" to her.
Chester was taken aback when, after he surprised Daisy with the balloon excursion, she requested that they fly over the active volcano on the edge of the jungle just outside of Pittsburgh, where they both lived. But Chester could never deny Daisy anything that was in his power to give, and so made all the necessary calculations and preparations to traverse the very center of Mount Wachatremblony which was at the time, erupting with spectacular displays of lava.
All went well until they reached the midpoint of the overflight when Daisy was overcome by an attack of the vapors. She was too much of a gentle soul to allow the gasses to escape her digestive track and the pressure built until she could no longer breath and so, she fainted while standing at the gondola's railing. If she hadn't been wearing a festive hat with various local fruits fixed along the wide brim she might not have been so top-heavy, but the effect of the 12 pound hat on the suddenly unconscious woman carried her quickly over the side.
Chester had been studiously adjusting the ballast bags, strictly according to the Balloon Pilots Handbook, when her swoon began and although he dropped his cow horn ballast adjuster and reached for her, it was too late. Chester quickly added up the situation and decided on what seemed to him to be the best course of action, he grabbed up one of the mooring ropes coiled at his feet and jumped over the side after her.
While Chester had an absolute heart of gold and a thorough background in law and religion, he lacked a firm grasp of physics and so he reckoned that since he was larger than the petite Daisy, he would fall faster than her and catch up to her on the way down, then grab her, and save them both by holding on tightly when he came to end of the mooring rope.
The natural world, of course, had other ends in mind and since they fell at the same speed, he could never catch up to her, and so he watched her fall into the molten rock from a position a few feet behind. Not that it mattered, but he couldn't hold on to the end of the mooring rope either because of the speed he'd attained when he'd covered its length in the fall.
There you have it. It's easy to see where the title came from now, yes? I hope you are not too terribly distressed by this cautionary tale and I trust that you can draw your own conclusions from it.
A nurse is standing by in the lobby to help those with weak constitutions.
I wish you a good evening.
("to conclude with God Bless America")
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